6/3/19 - Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019) - 2+/3-/10

What a titanic failure. For months before the film, there was a legitimate excitement that was rumbling under the surface, like a giant monster straining against its past and genre shortcomings. I wasn’t a huge fan of Godzilla (2014) and I thought Kong: Skull Island was rubbish, but some uncanny thing of about these mysterious giant beasts enticed me once more. Unfortunately, whatever strange beast had worked its preliminary magic died a grizzly death. The monstrosity that was this radioactive garbage fire of a flick killed it dead. It has lane waste the corpse, it’s path, and any desire for a future.

An utter lack of coherence, thought, logic, adventure or humor. Nothing surprises (other than the absurdity of the script or convenience of the plot) or entices. Not even the presence of these extraordinary cgi behemoths trying to off each other. I mean, that is the argument at its core, is it not? “It’s big monsters fighting each other, right? Well, what do you expect?” For one, yes, but often it is filmed half underwater, during a hurricane, or in a blizzard at night. So, technically it is happening but if I can’t see it that well, does it matter? And for the matter of “expecting more”, we should all expect the most from a film. It doesn’t have to be awful. Thought, energy, skill, talent,... maybe even just effort can rise it above a generic poor quality. Godzilla was not so lucky.

At every turn, it strived to push me to my breaking point as a viewer. The script is preposterous. The story is ludicrous. The characters are blank lincoln logs placed in each set piece. But perhaps its biggest damning quality is that it just wasn’t enjoyable on any level. Sure, I was fully taken out by the awful mechanics of the film, but even the standard “should be fun monster bits” just really didn’t do anything. Slogging through each failed one-liner, inexplicable plot driven story bit, or hollow emotional fart, I couldn’t help but state again and again “I hate this film”. And hate it, no matter how I tried to fight it, I did.

SPOILERS AHEAD
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This damn film made no sense. Every moment, every beat, every character; none of them work. Let’s take our protagonist for one simple example. A former Monarch scientist, whose child died during the Godzilla rampage and is separated from his wife and daughter is now a wildlife photographer. When they disappear, he is brought to “track a signal”, because he is apparently the only one with a vague understanding of the macguffin. And yet, never once does he track said signal. In fact, there isn’t even a way to track such a signal, because it’s an f’n special giant monster boombox. Just a clumsy bs way to bring him into the film.

Ok. That’s fine. Needed plot contrivance to get him on board, I can understand that. It isn’t good, but whatever. In no time, he is defying every leader with the right path to proceed, attending every away mission, and making all the decisions to be head of the global confrontation with these creatures. He survives every terror and hazard, he comes out on top and even comes to change his mind on that mean ole monster as the sole voice deciding the fate of the planet… SMH.

That is only one shining example of the asinine elements that infect this whole feature. I could discuss this non-government mega-organization that has no oversight, barely any knowledge of, and unlimited funds. Sure... How about the lack of disruption in television news coverage, people's’ daily lives and fuel sources for the (I kid you not) unlimited future jet-copters in the air everywhere. Right… Perhaps get into the completely impotent military, continuously running suicide missions to no effect, except for their super weapon that only pseudo works for dramatic purposes but is never tried again? Why?!... Or why not close this rant with about the impossible which is possible, but who cares. This is namely involving the point of (chuckle) “high drama” (chuckle) where Godzilla is supposedly dead. Dead he is not, because without a heartbeat, he has been transported through a whirlpool tunnel into the center of the Earth where a giant Atlantean-like ruins dwell and Godz is “nourishing” himself on..lava? It is completely destroyed by a nuclear bomb to “juice up” G-man, but the discovery of the hollow earth, an ancient human-like race that interacted with these creatures unknown number of years ago isn’t even a footnote; it is a joke and means nothing. I just...can’t.

I hate hate hate this film.

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SPOILERS END

This cinematic hiccup has zero emotional connection to anyone or anything. None of it makes any sense or even bothers to care about the concept. Yes it is a giant monster movie but you can develop something with the creatures...or the humans dealing with them...or a greater meaning to it all. But no, nothing means anything. Every plot point is just to get us to the next thing. This wishy-washy, unfunny, and unlikable story of a family/father meddling with the lives and affairs of everyone on the planet via giant moths, lizards, and aliens can shove it.